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What Discipline Works?

When addressing the subject of discipline, one parent may find themselves asking another parent, “What works for you?” The danger of this question is that there are lots of parenting responses and reactions that “work” to stop unwanted behavior --- in the short-run --- but are ineffective or even damaging in the long-run; in other words, just because it works doesn’t mean you should do it!

Author: Jody Pawel

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In my article entitled, “Discipline vs. Punishment”, I define the differences between discipline, punishment and abuse. I also point out the “Four R’s of Discipline” that must be present for discipline to be effective; Revealed, Related, Respectful, and Reasonable. (The “Four R’s were adapted from Jane Nelson’s teachings with her permission). If any of these are missing, their absence brings on the “Four R’s of Punishment:” rebellion, resentment, revenge and retreat.

Now let’s get some practical applications of these theories and philosophies by looking at the most-effective discipline techniques you can use. These discipline tools not only work best in the short run, but helps to foster long-term self-discipline.

• Show children how to make amends. For example, if they spill it, they clean it up. If they break it, they fix it. If they hurt it, they kiss it or get a bandage or ice for it.

• Offer choices. In my article, “Discipline vs. Punishment,” parents learn the language of using choices to reveal discipline. If the first choice doesn’t stop the behavior, alter the focus of the choice. For example: “I see you decided not to put your bike away.” The child refuses to do this. Say, “If you put it away, you’ll get another chance after dinner to show me you can ride it safely. If I have to put it away, you won’t get another chance to ride it until tomorrow. You decide.” The message here is that if they accept responsibility for their mistakes and learn from them, the discipline won’t be as severe as if they make you responsible for controlling their behavior. Also, if it comes to this, they can’t accuse you of being the Bad Guy, because it was their choice that you put it away.

• Take action. Here, you decide what you will do, not what you will make children do. For example. If you say “go to your room,” you might not be able to enforce that without physical force. Instead, say “I will leave,” which you can enforce.

• Allow natural consequences. These happen if parents do nothing to rescue the child from them. Only use them if they are quick and safe. For example, if they forget their lunch, they’ll be hungry that afternoon. When they happen, you are not allowed to say “I told you so!” Instead, ask, “What will you do next time?”

• Use Problem Solving to prevent, reveal, or decide discipline. For example, “I am concerned about (misbehavior). What can we do about that?” Brainstorm ideas, evaluate, and decide on a plan. Build discipline into the agreement, in case it happens again.
These discipline tools can be easily mis-used, so they must be used with caution. For example:

• Restrictions are only logically related to an abuse of a privilege or right. Also, the time limit must be reasonable. Don’t restrict responsibilities or privileges children have already earned.

• Logical Consequences must meet the Four R’s. This can be a challenge, so use them sparingly.

• Time-outs actually aren’t even discipline tools! To be used effectively, they must teach anger and stress management. You use a time-out to get everyone to calm down so you can then discuss the misbehavior and the appropriate discipline. Read my article on using time-outs for more information on how to use them effectively.

When we stop seeking quick fixes that only work in the short run, and look long-term at what is effective, we see there are many alternatives parents have to choose from. There really is no reason parents need to resort to physically or emotionally hurtful tactics --- not even mild ones.

If a parent knows these alternatives and chooses not to use them, they are more concerned about being “right” or in control than being effective. If they do choose to use them, they will no longer feel guilty, angry or mean when disciplining. Instead, they’ll feel calm, detached, yet empowered. Best of all, the tools are so effective they often only need to be used once or twice before children become self-disciplined in that situation.

About Author

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting (www.Parentstoolshop.com). She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing�s mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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