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The Politics of Vegetables

A humorous comparison of government to vegetables.

Author: Cynthia Houppert

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There is much to be learned from growing vegetables. This year, I discovered a trait before gone unnoticed. Although the garden was defined by tidy, controlled rows, once the seed packs were divided, the vegetables began exhibiting certain political behavior by subdividing into committees and caucuses.
The Zucchini demanded better fungus research, citing guarantees under the Vegetable Bill of Rights. The Cilantro, speaking for the Salsa Lobby, insisted on voting before going to seed. On the right, the Turnips clamored for less control by introducing the Tiller-Hoe Amendment. The Onions gave a rousing speech on vegetable solidarity, but their bill went to the chopping block and there wasn-t a dry eye in the house.

Both sides of the aisle were calling for increased spending for weed prevention. From the back of the rows, the Corn-U-Corp was accused by the Cucumber, Squash and Peppers, of over pollination, which prompted a cry from the Environmental Pollination Agency for more pollination control. It fell on deaf ears.

Meanwhile, the Okra declared, "Pollination poses no dangers to the rest of the garden and the Pollination Lobby-s fears are unfounded and based on pseudo-pollination". Soon, they were all drunk on flower. The Vines demanded control of more arable land. The Bushes accused the Vines of expansionist policies and demanded major cutbacks under the Shear Amendment.

Then, Lo and Behold, if the Vines didn-t retaliate by accusing the Bushes of Obstruction of Light. Speaker of the House, Scarecrow, proposed an amendment that would have favored all, but the Vegetable Majority Leader asserted it was just another hay-brained idea and solicited the Wallflower support. They were reported as being rather standoffish. The Carrots were quoted as saying, "That-s just like the Wallflowers - they-re always late for the dance and they won-t take a stand."

To matter matters worse, the insects jumped into the fray. While the Ladybug-s union demanded control of the air space, the National Organization of Worms asserted their rights for asexual reproduction. The Bureau of Annuals, Perennials and Flowers ordered trigger locks on the sprayer. They-ve always been forceful, but this time they turned up the heat in the shed. They had gone too far.

In the free for all, the Zucchini switches aisles and the Green Beans shot up in their poles. Now, I think the vegetables are revolting. The Melons are choking the Crooknecks, the Green Peas are dying on the vines, and the Corn seems destined to take the brunt of the August heat.

To settle the matter, the Twelve Disciples have decided the Marigolds must testify. I wonder which vegetables will be hung out to dry. It doesn-t really matter anyway. The Tiller-Hoe Amendment will be vetoed, Tiller Law will be issued by the Gardener-in-Chief and none will survive the Fall.

About Author

Cynthia Houppert is a former Contributing Writer for the
Lilburn (GA) Courier, a fine art dealer and enjoys writing political
satire. http://www.heftonpage.com

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The Politics of Vegetables