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I Want A Divorce - but is it right? |
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Thousands of UK couples decide that divorce is the only answer to their issues. This article looks at the issues and practical solutions to how this can be resolved. |
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| Author: Jannie Walsh |
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A breakdown in communication within a marriage can quickly lead to the assumption that divorce is the only way out. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you will find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now. The top tip here is to try again with your partner for a time and see how he or she copes with the changes that you want them to make. Often, the ‘guilty’ party has been emotionally jolted by the situation and can change their habits and ways of approaching you – we are all human and humans can and do change, do not fall into the old lie that a Leopard never changes his spots –they do.
You need to sit down alone and rationally look at the facts; what does he/she do that is special and when was the last time you enjoyed a good time together? If the answer to this lies in the recent past, then there is very definitely something there to fight for. Even a simple walk in the park with the dog that you both enjoyed, or a visit to a film or dinner out are indicators that you do want to and can enjoy each other’s company. This is critical because anger can, in most cases, overshadow the good thoughts and recent memories.
Thousands of couples divorce each year unnecessarily. A study completed recently of UK couples that had been divorced more than two years found that the majority wished they had ‘given it another go’. This was not the case where adultery was concerned and it is widely acknowledged that adultery cases are difficult to compromise on and usually lead to separation. The heat of the moment and long held resentments are both dangerous emotions that ultimately can lead to what you see as an unrepairable situation. Remember too that each of you will have resentments about the other – that is natural and all married couples have cupboards full of this!
So, my advice (after 25 years in the field) is to take it very, very slowly. Let your anger and upset fade and listen to yourself and not others who are outside the marriage who have your interests at heart but do not see the holistic picture. Talk to your partner and ask them to explain why they have behaved as they have and what they see as a way out of it. Remember that finding new relationships and ‘starting over’ is a fraught business and your current partner will take many years to fade away from your mind and patterns of life, especially if it is the first time around or you have children. You must consider what this really means and actually how bad have their actions been? A petitioner for a divorce said to me recently “he is just so moody and snappy at me…he won’t even pick me up from work”. It turned out that the husband was under enormous pressure at work and felt to proud to admit his weaknesses (a common trait in men). After a short period of counseling
and some quality time spent together, the Petitioner came back to me three months later and couldn’t believe how they had sorted the situation out.
Work through your particular predicament and honestly asked ‘have I done enough to resolve this’. Mostly the answer is no, so tread carefully and remember that your partner is suffering as much as you are. Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness and they begin to believe that they don’t love the partner. This is often caused by work stress or over commitment that can create deep anxiety between couples leading to an emotional separation and what they believe is a ‘falling out of love’. Experts all agree that after at least three years of marriage couples feelings move on from the euphoria of early married life and into a sinking period that can be difficult to
deal with and creates tensions and breakdowns.
This mostly manifests itself in lack of intimacy and close contact both physically and often emotionally. Over a period of many months and often years, the relationship becomes defined by the procedures of daily life and work and less by the emotional love that has created the relationship in the first instance. Whilst at the time of the breakdown this appears irretrievable, the marriage and relationship is far from over. A number of years ago I mediated with a young professional Bristol couple who we can call Suzie & Matt. They had met whilst studying for law exams at University and married; moving to London to start their careers. All was well throughout the first springs of married life but soon resentments began to appear based upon their working relationship in the same office
environment at a busy legal practice. Suzie felt that Matt was taking priority in the eyes of the law firm they worked for and that he didn’t value her input and sense of independence, she felt (wrongly) that he didn’t respect her or encourage her and had become self- obsessed and egotistical. What emerged was a slow but very definite distance between them and a relationship based more upon friendship than intimate love. Naturally their sex life suffered in line with the lack of closeness and she began to find him and his behaviour patterns “repulsive”. Strong words indeed, but what was the real issue behind it and how was it resolved?
The key element was the defining of their long term aims and desires – what bought them together in the first place, the desire to create a family and their shared hopes and vision for the future. Matt found it difficult to express this openly and thus he increasingly shied away from discussions with Suzie over ‘the future’. For the pair of them children was the key, yet the classic modern-day dilemma of career vs family once again loomed large.
In their case and in numerous examples these basic shared aims are critical, forming the initial stages of a relationship and the road map for married life together. What had happened in amongst the fog of work and commitments was a skewing of this fundamental basis and an in balance in their priorities. As Suzie said “ he treats me like his legal secretary at work, we don’t share a lazy evening on the sofa like we did, we never just go for a meal or away for the weekend anymore – we have a working relationship that revolves around paying the bills and working” Her obvious bitterness and hurt was evident and led to her feeling alienated and desperate. The conclusion for Suzie was that he couldn’t envisage the situation changing and therefore she wanted (she thought) a divorce and new beginning. For Matt, the situation was getting increasingly desperate yet he could not see how they could re-capture their priorities and make each other happy.
Whilst on the surface this appeared irretrievable to Suzie and Matt, for marriage counsellors this is a very common issue that can be handled and resolved fairly speedily with dramatic results. The priority is to get the couple to confront the issue head on, stop talking about separation and divorce and explore what needs to be done to regain the communication and emotional love. In our example, Suzie she felt there was no way back “I think the world of Matt but I am not sure I love him anymore after the way he has treated me, I feel naked and abused over months and months. He railroads me with his priorities, talks at me not to me and just doesn’t listen to me…his work and rugby mates are what matter to him not me. He embarrasses me in front of his work colleagues and talks to me like I am his skivvy in front of them”. Of course the reality was slightly different, yet Suzie had developed a defensive shell that had permeated into her view of the relationship and thus could see no way of resolving the issue.
Eventually Suzie and Matt began to talk. Following an initial separation of a month, it became clear that the thought of never seeing each other again and a permanent cessation of contact was too much for both of them. Throughout the counselling process Suzie began to get a clearer perspective of Matt as a person, his failings but most of all his value as a truly decent man and husband “I have chosen to ignore the nice things he has done for me and his way of expressing his adoration of me, I put to back of my mind the flowers and little book he got for me, the fixing of my car tyre puncture in the rain and helping me with my work”. I recommended some basic yet critical building blocks to re-alight their marriage and put them back on track. Firstly I got them to talk and walk, to spend an evening together in a place they were familiar and comfortable in, where they could giggle and gossip. This was followed by a weekend away, again in a location they both knew and where they had shared quality time in the past and could re-connect with what really mattered in life and the future. Suzie came into this feeling deeply hurt, emotionally exhausted and could see no future with Matt, whilst he had realized how his lack of attention to her had created this breakdown and caused her so much pain. Within a period of ten weeks the couple had began to re-connect and change their lives for the better and for the long term. The issue of children gave them a timeline and aim for their deep-seated priorities and desires; they worked through the issues by talking and remembering what they loved about each other when they first met.
When we saw each other finally, I welcomed a couple that had re-programmed the hard drive of life and were once again happy and renewed. Whilst the journey Suzie and Matt embarked on was daunting for them, it was a well-trodden path towards saving their marriage and looking to the future. Suzie summed up her feelings by saying, “I was facing the prospect of starting over again, trying to find Mr. Right and beginning the whole process of relationship and life plans that Matt and I had married for. I was desperate and could see no other way out yet knew I could miss the boat and regret this for the rest of my life. Matt isn’t perfect, but he loves me deeply and now he feels comfortable in showing that at all times and more importantly I recognize that and don’t focus on the odd time that he is nasty to me….our marriage is strong and this whole experience has made our relationship far more solid”.
The great news for Suzie and Matt came eighteen months later with the appearance of Charlie, an adorable little boy and credit to their determination not to give up at the first hurdle. Now a full time mum and occasional lawyer, Suzie feels she and Matt had a very narrow escape and this alone has established warning posts in the sands of their marriage that allow them to be wonderful parents to a very lucky little boy!
About Author
Jannie Walsh has twenty years of experience dealing with UK couples on the brink of divorce. Her areas of expertise include mediation between newly married couples and those suffering from poor communication and struggling to find an alternative to divorce. She lives and works in London and now works on a part-time basis across the capital.
Article Source:
http://www.1888articles.com/author-jannie-walsh-43592.html
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