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Effective Problem Solving

When people have a problem (children or adults), they often feel better if they think someone simply understands how they feel. Other times, they need a plan or solution.

Author: Jody Pawel

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When people have a problem (children or adults), they often feel better if they think someone simply understands how they feel. Other times, they need a plan or solution. When this is the case, here are some helpful tips and an effective problem-solving process you can use in a variety of situations:

Avoid giving advice. It can be difficult listening to people who are struggling with a problem. Our instinct is to protect them from hurt and speed up the long process of figuring out a problem by themselves. Giving advice, lectures, or telling someone what they should feel or do sends the message "You're not capable of solving this problem on your own." The truth is, people only become capable through the experience of solving their own problems.

Empower the person with skills for the future. The process of solving a problem is just as important as the actual solution to the problem. If you can help others use the process outlined below, they will learn how to solve problems in the future, making them more mature, responsible, and capable.

Remember whose problem it is. The person with the problem is the one who needs to take responsibility for solving the problem. Therefore, the other person should dictate the pace of this process, not the listener or helper.

PROBLEM-SOLVING PROCESS

This process teaches basic skills that empower people to solve their own problems:

• Listen attentively and effectively. (See "Responding the Children's Negative Emotions" article.) "How do you feel about it?" Focus on feelings and perceptions, not facts. Facts help you figure it out, clarifying feelings helps them figure it out. Don't rush this step!

• Clarify the problem. "So the problem is . . ." "Are you feeling (their feelings) because (the event)?" Brainstorm options. "What do you think you can you do about it?" If possible, write down all ideas, even if they sound bad, silly, or stupid. No evaluating ideas yet!

• Discuss possible results of each idea. "What would happen if you did (idea #1)?" This is where the person can weed out inappropriate or unhelpful solutions. It also teaches the person to think about the consequences of their actions and options.

• Help the person choose a solution. "So, what do you think is your best option?"

• Get a commitment. "What will you do? When will you do it?" Practice what to say and role play, if necessary.

• Follow-up. "When can you let me know how things went?"

VARIATIONS

When the parent has a problem or is involved in the problem: After listening to the child's feelings, briefly state your feelings or concerns in non-blameful ways. (See "Ten Tactful Talking Tools" article.)

To mediate conflicts between siblings, several non-related children, or at Family Meetings: Use the same process, except every person voices their feelings, concerns, ideas, and the solution is one that everyone agrees to.
Young children: Always give child a minute or so to offer ideas. If they can't think of any, offer suggestions in tentative ways, saying "What would happen if . . .?" Some children may react negatively to writing down ideas, as if you are carving them in stone. Other children react to writing down ideas as if it is their Christmas list and they become more involved. Try it. If you get a negative reaction, try writing down ideas again when they are a little older.

DIFFERENT PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLES

Generally speaking, individuals have one of two types of problem-solving styles:

• Venters are often overwhelmed with the emotions of a situation. They need another person or outlet (like writing) to help them sort through their feelings so they can think more clearly about a solution. Spend a lot of time at Step 1, listening as long as the person needs. Avoid giving advice. Gently help them move beyond venting. Specifically ask, "Are you ready to brainstorm some ideas?"

• Conquerors usually skip over feelings and get to the possible solutions for a problem. To them, dealing with feelings may seem like a waste of time. Discuss feelings long enough to make sure there isn't any denial or avoidance, then move into brainstorming.

You still want to go through each step, regardless of a person's problem-solving style; just alter the amount of time you spend at each step.

Couples or Parenting Partners: This process is very useful for resolving a parenting problems or for being more consistent and united in your approach. Arguments often arise when the adults' problem-solving styles conflict. If you are a Venter and are upset about a problem, say to your partner, "Can I (or "I need to") vent?" or "Do you have time (specify amount needed) to discuss this?" If you don't ask/say this clearly, a Conqueror may start offering solutions, rush the process, and you may end up defensive or in an argument.

You can use this problem-solving process to resolve problems in any relationship, just take into account the person's problem-solving style and current problem-solving skills. Modify the process by spending more or less time at different steps to compensate for these individual differences. You will find people will open up about their feelings more and solutions will come more quickly over time.

About Author

Jody Johnston Pawel is a Licensed Social Worker, Certified Family Life Educator, second-generation parent educator, founder of The Family Network, and President of Parents Toolshop Consulting (www.Parentstoolshop.com). She is the author of 100+ parent education resources, including her award-winning book, The Parent's Toolshop. For 25+ years, Jody has trained parents and family professionals through her dynamic workshops and interviews with the media worldwide, including Parents and Working Mother magazines, and the Ident-a-Kid television series. Jody currently serves as the online parenting expert for Cox Ohio Publishing's mom-to-mom websites and also serves on the Advisory Board of the National Effective Parenting Initiative.

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